“I'm Ryan. I'm an alcoholic.” These were the scariest words I ever uttered. The first time I said these words, I did so with fear and trembling. My voice was shaky. My hands were clammy. I didn't know if I would say it when it came around to me. My head was swirling. All I could think about was: “I'm a pastor. What will people think about me? I don't want to do this. I don't want to be here. How did I get here anyway...how'd it get this bad? It was never supposed to be like this.” But I said the words. I admitted it. And I felt lighter...a burden had been lifted in a way I never could have imagined. I felt like Jacob [from the Genesis story], on the run from God, his past, himself, everything. Jacob wasn’t free. But as the story progressed, he found himself in a brutal wrestling match with God. There were wounds, flesh wounds and ego wounds. There at the banks of the Jabbok River, Jacob was asked, “Who are you?” For the first time he said his own name: “I am Jacob”. And it’s like God said: “Good. We’ve got some work to do and now we can move forward.” In that moment of admitting who I was for the first time—in all the fear and unknowing—I knew what it was like to finally say “no” to shame and “yes” to a path of being free. It was like saying my name again for the first time. Thanks be to God and some friends who showed me the way out of the chaos through the 12 steps, I have been sober since January 7, 2013. God has removed from me the obsession of the drink and I now know a new way of life. My “why”, my calling, the thing that gets me out of bed, is as clear as ever: to help others find God and beauty in the midst of mess and brokenness.