I had my first sip of alcohol around age 7, sneaking a taste after hearing my dad and grandpa call it scotch, I truly thought it was butterscotch, but it didn't sit well with me at all. Growing up in Wisconsin, drinking was woven into the fabric of daily life, or at least that was the case for me.  I'd find myself sipping on whatever was available, like the wine coolers my parents left around after boating trips.

My relationship with alcohol never appeared to be a problem to me but I was very loose with my guidelines which turned into reckless behavior, like downing a six-pack and driving home without a second thought. It was a social crutch—I'd drink for any occasion, from Packers games to BBQs to campfires. But things took a dangerous turn in my late 30s, just before the pandemic hit. Drinking went from a choice to a necessity, a way to fit in and be the person I thought others wanted me to be.

I found myself pre-gaming alone at home, then continuing to drink at events and driving home where I would usually continue to drink until I blacked out. I chased that high relentlessly, I spent a lot of time trying to get fucked up as much as possible, as fast as possible and for as long as possible. Trying to reach that high that I felt I needed, so much that I was blacking out and not remembering full nights. I worked 3rd shift so my 7am was like other people’s 7pm so it wasn’t uncommon for me to get off work and get one on. Drinking became my coping mechanism, my escape from reality. One morning after drinking I thought my wife and I should take the kids to my old apartment in another city and I was pulled over and charged with a DUI and 3 counts of child abuse, which was later dropped due to good behavior but it cost me my nursing program, strained my marriage, and put my children in danger and yet I still thought I had everything under control.   Soon after probation after work one morning, already buzzed, I couldn't fulfill a promise to take the kids to school. I clearly remember telling myself if I take one drink after not being able to take the kids to school then I absolutely have a problem and without hesitation I continued drinking, straight from the bottle no less. By that point I was drinking at work, I was drinking shots while drinking beers and I was hiding bottles all over the house, I was at the point of drinking a 750ml plus beer plus weed each day and it seemed like no one even noticed.

Despite warnings and close calls, I spiraled even deeper into addiction. I think I started to hit rock bottom when I was accused of smoking weed during work hours and was sent home, narrowly avoiding losing my job.  My marriage was not doing well we were fighting all the time, and I was continuously putting the kids in danger. Shortly after the work incident I fell coming into the house and really hurt myself and blood was everywhere, and I was asleep not even realizing I was hurt, and my wife was completely freaked out when she came home and that was the moment, I knew I needed help.

With my life falling apart, I finally sought help and went to rehab. With only 3 days’ notice I confided in my wife and told her everything, she was so upset with me that she didn’t even walk me to the car when they came to get me.  It was a grueling process of detoxing and facing my demons. My intentions were to remain in rehab for 7 days but after attending some of the group meetings my counselor and I agreed that I needed the full 30 days.  Making that call to my wife was another difficult call but I knew I had no choice. She was so angry with me! But despite her anger and feeling betrayed she still supported me from afar by calling the facility and checking on me throughout my stay. The first 7 days at rehab we were not allowed to talk to anyone outside of rehab and no electronics were allowed.  After the first 7 days we had scheduled time with the electronics.  I, being the addict I was, secretly kept my iPad to communicate with my wife and she immediately called the facility to let them know what I had done.  They searched my room and took my razor and nail clippers.   It wasn't easy—I had to confront my mistakes and learn to rebuild. 

Two years into recovery, I've come to realize that sobriety isn't a magic cure-all.  Just because I am sober all of my problems didn’t disappear; I haven’t been offered my dream job and my relationships weren’t magically fixed.   It's a daily struggle, requiring constant effort and self-reflection. My marriage is stronger than ever, but it takes work to maintain and lot’s of learning how to communicate and remain sober.  An unfortunate reality to addiction is I've lost several friends from my rehab along the way, a very harsh reminder of the stakes involved.

Despite the challenges, I'm determined to turn my experience into something positive. If sharing my story can help even one person struggling with addiction, then it’s worth it to me.