Hi my name is Billi and I am alcoholic addict, I've been on a long journey battling addiction. It's been just over two decades since I hit rock bottom, but I've worked really hard to rebuild my life so I wanted to share my story. Looking back, it all started innocently enough when my dad bought me and my friends a six-pack of beer at just 16 years old. I remember after downing a few beers, I wondered if I could ask my dad for more. That innocent curiosity spiraled into a whirlwind of substance abuse—speed, pot, liquor, cocaine, you name it. Crack cocaine hit me the hardest, it brought me to my knees. I did manage to stay sober during my pregnancy at 20, but the urge always lingered and I literally asked people to bring me bottles of vodka if they were coming to see the baby. During my term in rehab, my eldest son visited me, I will never forget he brought me a cake because the Bronco’s and the Jett’s were in the playoff’s, it was an upsetting moment, realizing how much I'd put my family through. Making amends, especially to my kids, became a crucial part of my recovery. I chose to attend Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) where I found my lifeline in my sponsor, Marg. I have to admit it was embarrassing attending meetings while high, but Marg never gave up on me. After my second relapse at 33, she gave me an ultimatum because she herself was an addict and didnt think she could help me if I wasn’t willing to stay clean. I felt like a lost cause, I think in my heart of hearts I just thought I have fucked up everything and I am going to fuck this up too. Through Marg's guidance, I began working the steps, though I grumbled through it all, I’ve always been a glass 1/2 empty kind of girl. Yet, even in my skepticism, moments of clarity emerged—like when a fellow AA member shared wisdom that struck a chord, he was a butler from another country, and he said, “Billi the 1st pill always wants the 2nd pill” which was a confusing statement to me because I never shared that I was a pill addict so looking back I can see that God was already at work. At 37, I found solace in Buddhism, internally I truly felt that everything I did was so awful there was no way God could love me anymore. Ironically AA continued to have discussions about "burning bushes” which resonated with my Catholic upbringing, even though I didnt understand what they meant! I would later look back to see all the “burning bushes” in my journey. While attending AA meetings, at the Happy Way, a woman by the name of Janice shared a concept about testing God; she said, “Billi, God is or he isn’t what he choses to be” that got me asking God questions in 3rd party like “God, Marge said I should ask you…” this was absolutely sparking a spiritual journey I never expected. One day while driving to my son’s school, he had lot’s of troubles in school, I asked God “ Okay God not only do I need your help but I need it right now” my son had been written up for probably the 30th time and the school asked me to come get him. Walking into the school a woman, who I would later find out was a Youth Pastor, approached me asking me if it was okay to enroll my son in football. I didn't have a penny to my name, but before I could even express my fear of not being able to afford it, she told me she had gotten a scholarship to cover the costs and all of the equipment he needed all I had to do was bring his equipment with him when I dropped him off. Then another lady walked up to us and offered a connection to a doctor she used herself that she thought might help my son with potential Brain imaging and testing to see if he was ADHD. Not only did they help my son who was attending that school, the youth Pastor helped my older son with his probation orders as well. I asked the God, who I didn't believe in, for help and he really showed up! My sponsor Marg immediately asked me to volunteer at both of my kids schools, and I remember asking Marg, “how do I become a mom, how do I do this family stuff, I feel like I don’t even know these kids.” She told me that time will heal, to be patient, and it will all come together. She wasn’t wrong. Both of my kids ended up amazing! Shortly after the school incident, my son’s father suddenly passed away while incarcerated. It was unknown, and still is unknown, if he committed suicide or was murdered. I was so angry at the God I didnt believe in to allow this to happen when I was working so hard to complete all of the steps and do everything I was supposed to be doing! Money was tight, and I felt abandoned, yet signs of divine intervention kept appearing when least expected. I didn’t believe Mitchel was strong enough to handle the news about his dad, so I didn’t immediately tell him only to later find out that he overheard me and his grandmother talking on the phone so he knew for 4 days before I told him. I told my teenage son Thomas, “I can’t stay sober through this, I have to go to the neighbors to get some weed”. Thomas said, “mom what if we just go next door to get some cigarettes”, So we went next door, and while hanging out with the neighbors and smoking their cigarettes it was enough time for me to be able to get my sponsor on the phone and re-direct me into not getting high. Day’s later my son’s grandmother called and sent me the death certificate and asked me to go see if we could get any benefits. I didn’t think we could get anything because his dad was in construction and I just didn’t feel it was possible. We started going to Dr. Hoffmin again, who was monitoring Mitchel on his medication, and one day Dr. Hoffmin said, “Billi why aren’t you doing the Neurotherapy” and even though I said I couldn’t afford it, I still asked how much it was. He told me I could make payments and that the payments would be $440 a month, and sure enough, the benefits I got from Mitchel’s dad was $442 a month, what a life changing “burning bush” that God granted me. Volunteering in jails and prisons became the next part of my recovery journey for the next 12 + years, and is where I encountered stories of redemption, like Juliette's. Juliette was up for parole, and I didn't think there was a chance in hell she would get out as I had attended several of these prior and never had an inmate been released on their 1st hearing. Against the odds, she was granted parole, but because she had dual citizenship, she was told she needed to leave USA. She was so scared of losing her sobriety and she asked me how she was going to remain sober being so far away from us, and from help. I contacted my sponsor, Marg, and was told that my grand sponsor, Michelle (Marg’s sponsor), had recently moved to the same county Juliette was going to. Juliette went and stayed the weekend at Michelle’s house, where they worked through sobriety together. How we found guidance halfway across the world is a testament to God. And then there's the miracle of healing. Diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I faced mortality head-on. I put everything in storage, moved in with my mom and asked for prayers and faith. The church I attended prayed over me, spoke in tongues, anointed me in Holy oils and the day I went to begin treatment the cancer had inexplicably vanished, a testament to the power of belief. Reflecting on my journey, I may not have always recognized the "burning bushes," but they were there, guiding me through the darkest moments.