Hi my name is Billi and I am alcoholic addict, I've been on a long journey battling addiction. It's been just over two decades since I hit rock bottom, but I've worked really hard to rebuild my life so I wanted to share my story. Looking back, it all started innocently enough when my dad bought me and my friends a six-pack of beer at just 16 years old. I remember after downing a few beers, I wondered if I could ask my dad for more. That innocent curiosity spiraled into a whirlwind of substance abuse—speed, pot, liquor, cocaine, you name it. Crack cocaine hit me the hardest, it brought me to my knees. I did manage to stay sober during my pregnancy at 20, but the urge always lingered and I literally asked people to bring me bottles of vodka if they were coming to see the baby. During my term in rehab, my eldest son visited me, I will never forget he brought me a cake because the Bronco’s and the Jett’s were in the playoff’s, it was an upsetting moment, realizing how much I'd put my family through. Making amends, especially to my kids, became a crucial part of my recovery. I chose to attend Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) where I found my lifeline in my sponsor, Marg. I have to admit it was embarrassing attending meetings while high, but Marg never gave up on me. After my second relapse at 33, she gave me an ultimatum because she herself was an addict and didnt think she could help me if I wasn’t willing to stay clean. I felt like a lost cause, I think in my heart of hearts I just thought I have fucked up everything and I am going to fuck this up too. Through Marg's guidance, I began working the steps, though I grumbled through it all, I’ve always been a glass 1/2 empty kind of girl. Yet, even in my skepticism, moments of clarity emerged—like when a fellow AA member shared wisdom that struck a chord, he was a butler from another country, and he said, “Billi the 1st pill always wants the 2nd pill” which was a confusing statement to me because I never shared that I was a pill addict so looking back I can see that God was already at work. At 37, I found solace in Buddhism, internally I truly felt that everything I did was so awful there was no way God could love me anymore. Ironically AA continued to have discussions about "burning bushes” which resonated with my Catholic upbringing, even though I didnt understand what they meant! I would later look back to see all the “burning bushes” in my journey. While attending AA meetings, at the Happy Way, a woman by the name of Janice shared a concept about testing God; she said, “Billi, God is or he isn’t what he choses to be” that got me asking God questions in 3rd party like “God, Marge said I should ask you…” this was absolutely sparking a spiritual journey I never expected. One day while driving to my son’s school, he had lot’s of troubles in school, I asked God “ Okay God not only do I need your help but I need it right now” my son had been written up for probably the 30th time and the school asked me to come get him. Walking into the school a woman, who I would later find out was a Youth Pastor, approached me asking me if it was okay to enroll my son in football. I didn't have a penny to my name, but before I could even express my fear of not being able to afford it, she told me she had gotten a scholarship to cover the costs and all of the equipment he needed all I had to do was bring his equipment with him when I dropped him off. Then another lady walked up to us and offered a connection to a doctor she used herself that she thought might help my son with potential Brain imaging and testing to see if he was ADHD. Not only did they help my son who was attending that school, the youth Pastor helped my older son with his probation orders as well. I asked the God, who I didn't believe in, for help and he really showed up! My sponsor Marg immediately asked me to volunteer at both of my kids schools, and I remember asking Marg, “how do I become a mom, how do I do this family stuff, I feel like I don’t even know these kids.” She told me that time will heal, to be patient, and it will all come together. She wasn’t wrong. Both of my kids ended up amazing! Shortly after the school incident, my son’s father suddenly passed away while incarcerated. It was unknown, and still is unknown, if he committed suicide or was murdered. I was so angry at the God I didnt believe in to allow this to happen when I was working so hard to complete all of the steps and do everything I was supposed to be doing! Money was tight, and I felt abandoned, yet signs of divine intervention kept appearing when least expected. I didn’t believe Mitchel was strong enough to handle the news about his dad, so I didn’t immediately tell him only to later find out that he overheard me and his grandmother talking on the phone so he knew for 4 days before I told him. I told my teenage son Thomas, “I can’t stay sober through this, I have to go to the neighbors to get some weed”. Thomas said, “mom what if we just go next door to get some cigarettes”, So we went next door, and while hanging out with the neighbors and smoking their cigarettes it was enough time for me to be able to get my sponsor on the phone and re-direct me into not getting high. Day’s later my son’s grandmother called and sent me the death certificate and asked me to go see if we could get any benefits. I didn’t think we could get anything because his dad was in construction and I just didn’t feel it was possible. We started going to Dr. Hoffmin again, who was monitoring Mitchel on his medication, and one day Dr. Hoffmin said, “Billi why aren’t you doing the Neurotherapy” and even though I said I couldn’t afford it, I still asked how much it was. He told me I could make payments and that the payments would be $440 a month, and sure enough, the benefits I got from Mitchel’s dad was $442 a month, what a life changing “burning bush” that God granted me. Volunteering in jails and prisons became the next part of my recovery journey for the next 12 + years, and is where I encountered stories of redemption, like Juliette's. Juliette was up for parole, and I didn't think there was a chance in hell she would get out as I had attended several of these prior and never had an inmate been released on their 1st hearing. Against the odds, she was granted parole, but because she had dual citizenship, she was told she needed to leave USA. She was so scared of losing her sobriety and she asked me how she was going to remain sober being so far away from us, and from help. I contacted my sponsor, Marg, and was told that my grand sponsor, Michelle (Marg’s sponsor), had recently moved to the same county Juliette was going to. Juliette went and stayed the weekend at Michelle’s house, where they worked through sobriety together. How we found guidance halfway across the world is a testament to God. And then there's the miracle of healing. Diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I faced mortality head-on. I put everything in storage, moved in with my mom and asked for prayers and faith. The church I attended prayed over me, spoke in tongues, anointed me in Holy oils and the day I went to begin treatment the cancer had inexplicably vanished, a testament to the power of belief. Reflecting on my journey, I may not have always recognized the "burning bushes," but they were there, guiding me through the darkest moments.

I was 8 years old when I had my first drink at my friend’s house, but it wasn’t profound.  Half way through my senior year of high school is when my drinking picked up but not because of partying but due to an injury. My brother, who was 2 years older than me, was my best friend.  We were known as the Adam’s brothers, and he wasn’t a drinker at all, but we were fighters. My dad was a fighter, he was a great man, a strong man, an amazing dad and husband but his dad, my grandpa, was an alcoholic and my dad had to chase him around at a very young age trying to save him so my father had a really hard time with anyone confronting him so we saw him fight a number of times which is where I think my brother and I got our fighting instincts. Fighting was hard for me because I have a guilty conscious but also a really angry side, so it was hard for me.  Mid way into my senior year I accidentally stepped on a man’s shoe, and he started screaming at me and eventually I felt like I had enough, and I started fighting with him.  Unfortunately, I got the better of him and I remember later thinking that probably wasn’t a good idea because I realized he was in a gang.  Later that day at school I was walking down a hill with a girl and there was 5 of his friends behind me yelling my name and I knew there was no getting away so when we got to the parking lot we started fighting and they were kicking and hitting me and at the end a guy kicked me in the front of my head so hard that I passed out, I remember hearing them say “I think you killed him”.  When I woke up, I saw a tint of green and I saw that tint of green for day’s and when I went home my family just asked are you okay, I said yes and that was the end of it.  Later that night I had a panic attack, I had no idea what a panic attack was, so I told my mom I thought I was having a heart attack she told me just to slow down and I would be okay.  But when I woke up in the morning, I still had that overwhelming anxiety that made me feel like I was crazy, I would later find out this was due to a traumatic brain injury!  Day’s, weeks and months went by and every day I continued to feel like this.  This is of course when I started drinking.  I didn’t realize I was drinking so much but I did know the alcohol took away the anxiety and that’s when I started getting in trouble.  This went on for about a year and a half.  Then my brother went away to college, and he snapped his ACL so he had to come home.  After a couple months he got married to a girl we went to school with and he came to my work and asked me if I wanted to go to the comedy club downtown and I said yes, but then a girl called my work and asked me if I wanted to go out with her and without calling my brother I decided to go with the girl.  My brother and his wife waited for me outside the comedy club and the club filled up so they weren’t able to get in.  So they went to a club in downtown Denver instead.  There was a guy that my brother played football with inside the club and the guy told his 2 friends that my brother was the strongest guy he knew.  When my brother left the club those 2 men followed my brother and ultimately shot and killed my brother.  I remember my mom waking me up at 3am saying my brother was shot and for me stay there in case my sister woke up.  The whole time I’m thinking he went downtown because I didn’t show up.  When both of my parents came home at the same time, I knew my brother was dead.  At the funeral I didn’t want to see my brother in the casket, but I accidentally saw him and I literally and figuratively felt like something changed in my brain.  That was the end for me, I was so lost, so angry and so scared!  I started drinking as much as I could to try to escape my pain.  My brother’s death wrecked my family, there was a 10-year trial where the guy that murdered my brother was in and out of jail and I actually ran into him bagging my groceries 8 months after he killed my brother, he had no remorse whatsoever!  I remember at 21 or 22 I though shit I’m an alcoholic and that brought me relief thinking well good that’s what I am, and I was okay with that.  For the next 10 years I drank every day and every night until I was 32 years old!  I got in so much trouble, I remember when I was 26, I went to a party and I got really drunk and they wouldn’t give me my keys and so of course I got in a fight with them and I remember everyone looking at me thinking “oh my God what happened to you” so I thought I couldn’t be around people anymore.  That’s when I decided I needed to go to an AA meeting, but I didn’t know what AA was so I poured myself a drink and took it to the meeting and they noticed I was drinking and started talking about how they were going to help me get home so I hurried and got the hell out of there.  I struggled for another 2 years and then one day I woke up and decided I needed to get married and have kids.  I called an old girlfriend up, asked her what was she doing next weekend and she said nothing so I bought a ring and spray painted a wall asking if she would marry me.  Funny story I was in a long-time relationship with another women so that didn’t go well.  I got married 2 years later and it was not easy, I was a heavy drinker and although she was a drinker she wasn’t like me, so I started hiding alcohol.  Then we had my son and as soon as I brought him home, I thought I need to get sober, I thought I knew what love was but I really didn’t until I had my son. I went to an outpatient rehab to try to stop but next thing I knew I was in a hospital being strapped to a bed because I would get so drunk and try to fight with them, this went on for 2 years.  I went to an inpatient rehab, twice, the first 30 days I had sober in 11 years and the day I got out I would start drinking again.  My parents were desperate and doing everything they could to save my life.  One day I got super drunk and drove through my garage and almost through the house then passed out on the lawn.  My wife had a neighbor help load me into the car and take me to the hospital, I ripped the IV out of my arm with my mouth and I remember bleeding out and a nurse walked in and started screaming.  The doctor came in a put the IV back in and put me on a 72 hour hold and told me I was an alcoholic due to my blood alcohol being a .40.  He told my dad I would be dead within 3 months, after my 72 hour hold, my dad told me he was going to take me to a hotel and he was going to pay for 3 weeks for me to figure things out.  I sat on the bed for 2 full days only going to the bathroom but nothing more.  I finally decided to go to a meeting and a man came up to me and said he recognized I was not okay and asked to be my sponsor.  I was super confused on why he wanted to help me, he turned out to be an ex communicated priest.  I started meeting with him and he was really good, he met with me twice a week.  I finally made it 30 days and my wife asked me to come home.  Then I was working on my 4th step and my sponsor pointed out what my alcohol has done to my life, to my kids, to my wife.. He asked me to forgive the man who killed my brother.  I went home that night, and I stood in my bathroom shaking, crying uncontrollably and ultimately forgave him.  My life instantly changed!  People around me seemed to be nicer, life seemed to be easier, it seemed unreal.  The first year was really hard, my wife started drinking excessively and it wasn’t until 2 years into my sobriety I started to seek God and that’s when my life got so much better! I finally had purpose, we had a daughter, and my kids were the love of my life! Every year my dad would call me and on the day of my sobriety and congratulate me until the 10th year, he forgot I was an alcoholic.  I laid in bed crying with joy that my dad forgot and just saw me for me!  But like so many others the good times came to an end.  I was a supervisor at a job and I was told I had to fire Joe.  I asked the bosses to please let us send him to rehab, he was obviously an addict, so they agreed to send him to rehab instead of firing him.  I told Joe we would send him to rehab, he packed his bags and showed up and my boss told me to fire him instead.  I begged them not to do that but that was their final decision, Joe was wrecked.   Joe showed up 7 months later telling me he couldn’t stop drinking; he lost his wife and he needed help.  I told him to call me on Thursday and I would take him to a meeting.  I didn’t hear from him on Thursday or Friday, so Saturday I drove by his house to see how he was doing and he was hanging from the attic in his garage.  I called 911 and they told me to get him down and to start CPR, I told them I couldn’t I was so scared but they kept telling me to do it.. I got him down and she directed me on how to do CPR, I felt like this was a punishment… The first compression I broke his ribs because he was so frail, I freaked out!  The police showed  up and I let them finish while I was freaking out on the lawn.  They took Joe into an ambulance and the cop started saying it was a good sign and calling me a hero, but he only lived for 4 days.  The highs and lows of seeing him hanging, then thinking he made it only to find out he died was more than my brain could handle. I started pacing at night and all the memories of my brother dying were coming back to me.  Soon after I opened my computer and found an email from a man to my wife only to find out she had been having an affair for over a year with him.  I ended our marriage and I started drinking, I was worried about drinking alcohol so I drank mouth wash for a week.  I ended up in the hospital and the doctor asked what in the hell was I doing, I told him I was drinking mouth wash and he told me doing that would kill me.  So through the divorce over the next year I drank A LOT!  16 years of sobriety down the drain… I destroyed everything I worked so hard for.. I destroyed my kids, fucking everything! I would only last 3 or 4 weeks at a time before I was forced to take a break.  I remember going to the gas station and they couldn’t sell alcohol before 9 am and it was 8:30am and the doors were locked to the alcohol so I shoved my hand in there and grabbed the beer and went to the cashier, he told me he couldn’t do the transaction until 9am so for 30 minutes I stood there as people walked in and out going to work looking at me but I knew I couldn’t even make it to my car without it.  Soon after that I was at my condo and I woke up at 2am, my girlfriend at the time woke up every couple hours for diabetic injections, and I smoked a cigarette. I put the cigarette out in my in my planter and I guess the cigarette didn’t go out because 2 hours later I woke up to my girlfriend screaming “there’s a fire”, I had 30 ft ceilings, and it was engulfed in flames.  I was on the top floor in my underwear I just started kicking neighbor’s doors screaming telling people to get out. I remember going back upstairs and watching the fire in my house and I didn’t even try to grab a single thing, not clothes not a picture not a single thing I just watched the flames. When I went back downstairs my dad was there, I asked him what he was doing there and he said I called my mom and told her my house was on fire, I didn’t even have a phone I was in my underwear so that’s a mystery to this day but as always my dad was there for me.  I drank 1 more time after that and that one really beat me up, it’s what I call 72/18/72, I was drinking to the point that I couldn’t drink anymore I would throw up if I even had a sip of alcohol so I would drink for 18 hours then I would detox for 72 hours back to drinking.  I kept doing this over and over and I remembered someone telling me more people die from detox then they do from drinking, and I thought this was it for me I was going to die.  So, I finally decided everything had to stop!  No more dating, no more drinking NOTHING!  I got 3 more years with my amazing dad before he passed away and today is going on 4 years sober.  I write songs and feel music, not listen to music but really feel the music trying to figure out how I got to where I am and how do I make sure I remain sober!  Like so many others I have so many regrets, but I have to work on forgiving myself and hope that my path was meaningful to the people I saved and hope for forgiveness from the ones that I hurt.  My son is a firefighter, and my daughter is going to school to be a doctor, they are the reason I am here today.